Grief

I had my son when I was 17... At 18 I placed him up for adoption and now I just feel grief... Never do I get relief and all I know is pain... I just want one minute of peace, one second of relief but not for me... I have to constantly remind myself that I did this for the greater good of my son but nobody knows my pain and I have to constantly put on a happy face when inside I am dying. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to hold him and tell him I love him but I can't. He is not my son he is theirs and I know I need to say my goodbyes but I just want him back so badly... I will never forgive myself for doing this to him... I want him but its to late now... You would think that with time the pain would get easier but it doesn't... It's been almost five years now but I still feel the grief and everyday it feels like the first...